Wednesday, March 30: Week 35

Bit the bullet, spent about seven hours on my taxes, cut the $3000 check and created an IRA. Got the numbers down as far as I could, and I just have to eat it. It shaves off two months from my Odyssey, but its good to have it off my back, and knowledge is always better than dreams when it comes to motivation. As I've been fighting off this cold and crunching numbers (and chewing my knuckles), I've been able to solidify some details in the novel, and with my new found poverty urging me to focus, I'm looking forward to a productive week to come. I've totally shagged on writing since I got the bad news on the taxes, and its time to snap out of it.

Tuesday, March 29: Week 35

Really felt bad when I woke up, throat was killing me, the nose ran like an Ethiopian. Decided to switch my "off" day from the gym from Thursday to today. I feared I'd have to bail on dinner with friends tonight, which would have stunk cuz' it's the first time in at least a year we've gotten together as a group. As the day wore on, with me doped up on cold medicine and covered by the wildly colored afghan my grandmother wove for me so many moons ago, I came to feel pretty much 100%. Dinner was a delight, I wish I had more energy to craft an image of it for you, and I might soon. But for now, gotta' crash.

Monday, March 28: Week 35

Feelin' kind of funky, lot of sniffling and hacking going on. And have that strange fuzziness that comes from an ill-functioning bod (and the Dayquill has a strange edge to it). Anyway, pretty useless. I broke my rule about working out when "ill", and I may have to revise that rule cuz' I feel great.

The whole tax situation is really bugging me, I spent a good deal of time not doing anything about it today.

Sunday, March 27: Week 35

Easter Sunday! Stuffed my friggin' face at the family brunch. Both the local nephews were there, which was a great surprise and as best I could tell, a good time was had by all. I was useless by the time I got home, and just zoned out to the NCAA games.

Saturday, March 26: Week 34

Random observation: I almost forgot to mention this, it's an excellent example of crazed product engineers run amok. So, I'm in Safeway and I need to score some toilet paper, which if you know me, means Charmin (lets face it, Northern and Scotts are the Food Lion of toilet paper). But can I find my standard four-pack? No, I'm confronted with the Charmin Ultra MegaRoll with Free Charmin Extender...what the hell, where am I gonna' put all this paper??? A product so outsized it requires additional hardware just to use? The ostensible purpose being that you can "change the roll less often"...what the hell kind of reason is that??? For my entire life, there has not been a single moment, no matter how brutalized by life I was, where I said "Man, if only I could change the toilet paper roll less often, then I'd be set!" We, my friends, are damned.

Friday, March 25: Week 34

Well, looks like I'm going to be the governments...what is it the kids say? Oh, yeah, "bitch". I just got back from the second gym trip today (for anyone who's interested, I'm back to the two-a-day workouts), and figured I might as well knock this installment out before hitting the shower. My trip to H&R Block did not produce the deus ex machina I was hoping for, and I'm just going to have to eat the bullet. Which has put me in an ill humor. I'm going to go back and do some number massaging, but I fear my time horizon for the Odyssey has just been cut by two months, which sucks but them's the breaks.

Haven't worked on the novel much today, but will after the shower, at which point I'll update the metrics box. I'm looking forward to Easter Sunday and enjoying the company of my local family, and my mother's most bodacious brunch.

On a serious note, a thought for peace to Terri Schiavo, a person not a cause. I'm struck again by how infantalized our cultural discourse has become, and how truly common the impulse to theological bias our elected governmental bodies are. As usual, a complex issue of personal liberty has been turned into a binary discourse. You either believe Terri Schiavo is dead already, absent consciousness, and nature should be allowed to take its course. Or you believe she is alive, absent consciousness, possibly moments from a cure from which she'll emerge without knowledge of the past 15 years. Both of these positions are absent what could conceivably be a true horror, what if she is fully conscious, buried alive in her own body? Seeing through eyes she no longer controls, fully aware of everything she can't control, no motor control, no communication, alone inside her head, for 15 years. I don't know about you, but I get squirreley after a few hours of inactivity, I can't imagine it for a year, or two, or fifteen. If this were the case, what would be the humane thing to do?

Thursday, March 24: Week 34

Yeah, so, I missed a little more than a month of the journal...yeah, I suck. Think I'll just make this page a February/March combo thing. Look, this whole thing, the novel writing, the not-full time employee thing, has been far more difficult than I could have envisioned. That being said, it's been the best thing I've ever done, and I've settled into a groove I can only describe as transcendent. Well, with the exception of taxes, which I fear will be bending me over the "Deliverance" log and making me squeal like a pig if my pals at H&R Block can't help me out. Pray for me.

Novel's coming along well, but it's waaaaaay behind schedule. After I get the final numbers on the taxes I need to revisit my metrics and see how much time I have left before I have to go back to corporate whoring (if required).

Friday, February 18: Week 29

Oh Man, I'm beat. Had a great workout this morning, then a reasonably good one this afternoon. I can't explain it, but these two-a-day workouts seem to be self sustaining. What I mean is, if I put in my 45 minutes in the morning, I'm a zillion times more likely to do my afternoon lift. I realize this is pretty irrelevant to all of you, but I'm feeling great, the combination of a much lower fat diet and the exercise is the way life should be. I need to stay focused over the next three weeks, then I should have firmly established the habits.

Still having some focus probs with the novel, today was much better than yesterday, and I need to make sure I carry that through the weekend. I've come to the serious conclusion that I just can't take breaks on the weekends, I'm too much a creature of pattern and rhythm to stop and start. And the books getting so complicated, I find that its easy to space out details if your minds out of it for more than a day. Goddamn these posts are dull, I need to get addicted to heroin or something to spice things up a bit!

Thursday, February 17: Week 29

Nothing on the novel today. Just sat there and stared at the screen, checked my email, played solitaire. Total BLOCK. I was able to negotiate the end of a tough scene yesterday, and I think it took some wind out of me. Got to have a good day tomorrow. It was an off day altogether, got up about 30 minutes late and I was playing catch up the rest of the day. Passion, that's what this day lacked, I wish there was a special woman I wanted to impress, nothing like that to burn the fires. Well, this is dull isn't it? Better quit while I'm only a little behind, see ya' tomorrow.

Wednesday, February 16: Week 29

Just a quickie folks, day got a little away from me. Heard from another one of my pregnant friends, and we'll be having lunch on Sunday, so that'll be fun. I seem to be surrounded by prego's these days, and for all the horror I have of most people I know who procreate (there are just too many jokers on this planet), these three women will all make fine mothers. And the Dad's too, all around, cool people.

On a side note, I'm becoming increasingly disturbed by how ignorant Americans are becoming, willfully. I read some Jefferson, Washington and Adams today, and they crush what passes for politics in this day and age. Ugh, gimme' a national audience for six months, and I'll either wake 'em up, or they'd kill me, either way it beats listening to the retards we have in congress. I mean, fuck, we're in the middle of a war (but we can't raise taxes to pay for it, no sir, that's just wrong), we have a huge fucking deficit, we're migrating the social security philosophy from "lets pull together as a team" to "I got mine, you get yours" and the legislation that gets fast tracked is fucking media indecency. Arrrrggggghhhh.

Tuesday, February 15: Week 29

Holy smokes! I busted up my Quads today, en route to a realization that I've been being a little too "nice" to myself in the gym. I've been giving the seven weeks of not working out too much credit, and pretty much started from the beginning in terms of weights. But I nudged my squats over 200 to 225 and it felt great, though I'm sure I'll be hearing from them tonight.

Writing was a little weak today, I'm writing a transitional scene that gives some background, and I think the guy I have doing the yacking is doing it for the wrong reasons. This may sound stupid, but these friggin' characters really do live their own lives and when I try to make them do things out of character, they let me know it. I'll have it solved tomorrow, but I'm a little annoyed that I fell short of my daily target.

Monday, February 14: Week 29

Hey Ya'll, Happy Valentine's Day. And I mean that, I may be bitter and gnarled with envy for all you lovebirds out there, but if I were you I'd be rubbing it in the faces of the lonely everywhere so turnabout's fair play. I love this day, and love the times I spent one with a beloved (or simply a be-lusted), but anytime I get maudlin I just remember a couple spent with some seriously wrong women and I'm all happy with solitude. So get out there and love your love, and have a kiss on me.

You know, it's getting more difficult for me to be the arrogant ass I would like to be. Mind you, this is still my goal, however each bit of weakness I show causes me too much reflection. I mean, how long's it been since I updated this site daily? It's been over three months, and that's just wrong. I've been a bit on the melancholy side these past few days, and melancholy ain't for big people, it's more of a thin euro-guy thing. Be that as it may, this dark spirit has ground down my productivity and fire. I did put a site together for my pal Ted and his dream team band Exit 10 which made me feel good helping out a fellow artist.

Here's the deal, I exist in two states, the "real" world and the "on fire" world. When they're in balance, everything's cool, but when one starts to dominate it takes a toll. At the moment, the "real" world is in primacy and I don't like it, it's a world that feels drained of energy and life. It's an f-ing killer. I need to put it back in its box, where I pull it out to pay bills, go to the grocery store and such. When I create, lift, or interact with people I have to be "on fire" to create and soak up the energy I need. This state is all about discipline and mental toughness, and there's a softness at my center (hmm, that's true both metaphorically and physically...should make a note of that) and that softness is fine when it's given to others, but is something I can't keep close to myself. "Everything is okay" is a feeling I hate, I'm really only at my best when I'm convinced I have to push to make things "okay". Time to be my best.

Oh, Jesus, I just read this and it's just gibberish. I will say this, I'll be back here tomorrow, and the day after until this Odyssey is finished, so I'll have plenty of opportunity to make sense.