Saturday, May 22

Not as consistent with the journal this week as I would like, but this IS the first week I've attended the gym six days in a row in as long as I can remember. So, tiny pat on the back for that.

I was at the optometrist office this afternoon, my eyeballs dilated like an anime character, and it hit me that I should do a painting with my natural (lack of) eye site. It would probably work as the profound abstraction, particularly if I stuck to strict discipline and truly rendered what I saw. I'm thinking of just looking out the window, and see what happens. I'll post whatever I come up with.

Also, hit a small show my friend Jennifer was participating in out in freakin' Hyattsville, turned out to be right next door to the storied Damatha High School, and was surrounded by, I think, exactly two blocks of gentrification. Kind of nutty, but kind of cool too.

Had a good day on the novel too, so all in all, a good freakin' day.

OH! And I finally finished watching Verhooven's "Black Book", which came out in 2007, but which kicks unholy ass. An excellent, very Dutch, counterpoint to "Inglourious Basterds".

Tuesday, May 18

Okay, two days in a row for hitting the gym before work, when I make it tomorrow it'll be my first short goal met for this week. This motivation is stemming from a specific conversation on Sunday, and it's not the first time I've experienced a short burst of enthusiasm, I believe the key for continued success will be to consciously revisit that conversation or conduct new ones. Some small things have contributed, setting a definite departure time with my carpool pal Lincoln has also helped to get my ass in gear.

I'm going to track closely this pre-work workout for the next three months, if I'm going to work, I'm going to the gym, those activities are now linked. How I manage my four days away from the office will be a related, but separate activity. It looks like I'm going to have to work out seven days a week, but that won't lead to any overtraining, the early am workouts are only aerobic and not that harsh.

I'm getting my permanent crown on Thursday at 7:00 am, so I'm going to make sure that I have a schedule for Thursday prepared when I got to sleep tomorrow. I've proven myself terribly inept when I "wing it" on my days off, so being disciplined early in vital.

Monday, May 17

Finally got to my morning workout in today, and feel like this was successful day. Was able to keep positive, creative thinking at top of mind, and find myself feeling good at the end of the day. Need to continue refinement of my evening activities, and maintaining focus over the next three days, extending into the next three, and so on. One specific thing I need to break the pattern of is watching the Daily Show and Colbert at 7:00 pm, which is a huge momentum killer.

So, the only thing missing is doing creative work in the evening, but need to whip this fatigue in the evening. Am going to be aggressive about sleep and eating enough at the office, as well as supplementation.

Geez, this is super boring, need to ramp up the fun factor in this journal, hell, I spent the bulk of my day with people dressed as faerie's!

Sunday, May 16

Hmm, missing six days of journaling seems to be becoming a trend, but one I'll continue to battle. Had a great weekend, went to visit my parents in West Virginia for a couple of days, and joined Kitten at the Maryland faerie festival (which while truly random, was also pretty fun).

Met with Lincoln today, and was able to articulate a lot of what's been rumbling around my head, thoughts on living, thinking like an artist, not a consultant. Enjoying the vision only given to those who push to see. Instead of operating in auto pilot mode, really engaging the universe, then translating it into action.

I'm dead serious people, this block I've been experiencing hasn't been this difficult by accident, I need to learn a profound truth, and let that truth live through me every minute of every day. It's coming, I can taste it, and I will bring my wayward instincts to heel.

Monday, May 10

Damn, missed six full days of journaling, and not for good reason. Fell into a mini-slump that was very similar to my long slump that I'm just pulling out of, and this should be the bud-nipping as it were. Lost sight of my near term goals, and just moved back to the pattern I'd previously created, so if I slump again I hope I'm smart enough to identify it sooner.

That being said, I had a great weekend, went to my old neighbor Maria's 80th birthday on Friday, spent the entire Saturday with Victoria doing a road trip out to Winchester and taking care of some errands, Sunday I hit Iron Man 2 which while not quite as good as the first was still fun.

Sadly, I got the news that my brother's partner Chris ended a long and difficult struggle with illness and found his peace on Friday. It's coming for all of us, I hope I can show the fight he did.

Tuesday, May 4

Hmm, had a choice today, workout tonight or workout tomorrow morning, and I took the procrastination route. You may see this as somewhat insignificant, however I'm really trying to bear down on my process, and this is an example of it not working. I wouldn't have thought about working out tonight had I awakened at the right time this morning, and gone to sleep on time the night before.

So, not going to thrash about over this, but I need to be less forgiving of these lapses during my admittedly short work week. The new workout program I'm on only requires I do my aerobic training Mon-Wed, and that's not hard to do when I hit the gym before work. Will wake up on time tomorrow.

Also need to combine novel prep with these daily journal entries, I don't expect to be highly productive from a word count perspective, but I want to "keep my head in" the novel seven days a week. This will make the transition less jarring Thur-Sun. I'll make note of my progress here, I think I'll do 15-20 minutes on the novel prior to the journal, then I can take advantage of this small bit of writing to document anything interesting that arises.

Monday, May 3

Had the opportunity to speak with my writing "support group" pal today, and he hasn't been terribly supportive of late, and it seems he's going through a lot of the same issues I am. Which reminded to tell him of the idea that anxiety, fear and indecision are tightly related, and that when you're feeling one the others aren't far hidden.

For me, I've been eating insane calories right before bedtime, and I've been fixated on figuring out "why" I was doing it, when really I needed to simply decide to not do it. Essentially, its the absence of the decision to not eat those calories that's at the root of why I'm doing it. I mention this only because we people, often attempt to fix things like anxiety with pain-killers/booze/euphorics and while you certainly forget your anxiety while enjoying said product, it just comes back stronger and longer later.

As I think I noted earlier, part of building an effective decision environment for myself, I needed to reduce the number of things on my "to do" list. Writing, exercise/diet and dedicating one evening per week to step outside my comfort zone. Simple. Easy to focus on. Go.

Sunday, May 2

Am very happy with the turnaround these past two days, and need to stay focused moving into the work week. It's one thing when all of your energies can be focused on self-dicipline, it's a whole other thing when mixed with "real life", so forewarned is forearmed.

I have noticed, not for the first time, but with more intensity, that my circle of friend, and don't get me wrong I love 'em all, are to some extent or another, unreliable. It's a strange trait, and it's annoying, and frankly disrespectful of my time. It's a bummer to not trust anyone to do what they say they'll do, and its such an easy thing.

Of course, at a certain level, what this says is that I don't fill a level of importance in their lives that would cause them to be more respectful of my time. May have to cut 'em all loose, and start from scratch, which would be a shame. Time will tell.

I've to two days of "win" under my belt, how I conduct myself these next three days will show my level of commitment. And I'm looking forward to executing flawlessly, it's no huge hurdle, just need to wake-the-hell-up on time and roll to the gym at 5:45 like I had been doing, so it's not like I need to learn anything new, just un-learn my lazy morning habits!

Saturday, May 1

New month, new opportunities. If you've paid attention (not that it requires close analysis), I've been less than consistent with my journaling, and that's always a red flag that I'm being lazy. This journal is a truth engine, and when I don't like the truth, I tend to not document it. Very sad.

Whatever, got a call from my friend Jennifer yesterday, to discuss pool membership and put me on notice that I'll be wandering around half-naked in a month, putting these past four months of low activity and high calorie intake into stark relief. So, I've got a solid 30 day target, can't correct all the damage I've done, but it'll be fun trying.

I've selected the "Rock Hard Challenge" three-month workout (which is fun, and mixes things up), have a good high-protein diet I've had success with in the past, and the weather looks like its going to cooperate in giving me no excuses.

Let's face it people, I've only got two goals, my bod, and my book and it's just plain sad that this is being such a struggle. But like my old pal Napoleon Hill says, there is no failure if you learn from your mistakes. And my primary learning has been "don't get tricky", stick to your short term goals as the roadway for the long term. Like climbing a mountain, it's best just to pay attention to what you're doing, not looking up or down. I think I psyched myself out, and allowed Hill's unholy trinity of indecision, doubt and fear to rear their heads. The effect was a lot of false starts, and impotent chest-beating declarations of intent, but little action. I'm committed, I'm going to do whatever it takes to accomplish my goals, and subdue my desire for lesser pleasures.